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Who's Bill This Time?

UNIDENTIFIED PERSON: The following program was taped before an audience of no one.

BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. Half lab, half poodle, half man. I'm a labradoo-Bill, Bill Kurtis.

NEGIN FARSAD: (Laughter).

KURTIS: And now say hello to my little friend, Peter Sagal.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE SOUND EFFECT)

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Thank you, Bill. And as always, thank you to the fake audience who are so eager to get out of here and socialize with other fake people. Later on, we're going to be talking to Andre De Shields. He's a Broadway legend. He created the role of the wizard in "The Wiz" and most recently won a Tony and a Grammy for his lead role in "Hadestown." But now it's time for you to make your grand entrance on stage. Give us a call. The number is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Let's welcome our first listener contestant.

Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

COURTNEY WILKERSON: Hi, my name's Courtney Wilkerson. I'm from Tampa, Fla., and I'm 21 years old.

SAGAL: Wow. You just led with all the information. Now I have nothing to ask you. And I feel...

ADAM BURKE: (Laughter).

SAGAL: I'm a little at sea. What can I tell you? What do you do in Tampa?

WILKERSON: I'm a student at USF. I'm a political science major.

SAGAL: OK. You're a political science major. Can you explain everything, and can you do it quickly?

WILKERSON: Yes.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: No, what is your interest? Are you hoping to run for office someday?

WILKERSON: I'm actually more interested in maybe doing something in local government and nonprofit, addressing food security. That's my goal.

SAGAL: Wow. So wait a minute. You actually want to do good rather than, like, run for office or something?

WILKERSON: Yeah, you know, it's (laughter) pretty rare these days, it seems like, sometimes.

SAGAL: I don't think that's ever going to work, but good luck to you.

(LAUGHTER)

WILKERSON: I'll do my best.

SAGAL: Courtney, let me introduce you to our panel this week. First up, it's the comedian behind "5 O'clock Somewhere News" on IGTV. You can see him at The Laughing Tap in Milwaukee May 7 through the 8. It's Adam Burke.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE SOUND EFFECT)

BURKE: Hello, Courtney. How are you?

WILKERSON: Hi. I'm great.

SAGAL: Next, a comedian you can find on her podcast, "Fake The Nation," and on the new Adult Swim series, "Birdgirl," Sunday Nights on the Cartoon Network. It's Negin Farsad.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE SOUND EFFECT)

FARSAD: Well, hello, Courtney.

SAGAL: And it's a correspondent for "CBS Sunday Morning" and author of The New York Times best-selling "Mobituaries: Great Lives Worth Reliving." It's Mo Rocca.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE SOUND EFFECT)

MO ROCCA: Hi, Courtney.

WILKERSON: Hello.

SAGAL: All right, Courtney, you, of course, are going to play Who's Bill This Time. That's how we start our show. Bill Kurtis is going to read you three quotations from this week's news. Your job - you know this - correctly identify or explain just two of them. Do that - you'll win our prize - any voice from our show you might choose on your voicemail. Are you ready to do this?

WILKERSON: I'm ready.

SAGAL: All right, Courtney. Here's your first quote.

KURTIS: Life is too short to not get drunk with your friends.

SAGAL: That was 23-year-old Adriana Trigo letting NPR's Morning Edition know that she is one of the many people who's trying to figure out how exactly they're going to have fun once what is over?

WILKERSON: The pandemic?

SAGAL: Yes, the pandemic.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: With more than half of Americans having received at least one vaccine dose, people are now beginning to talk about reentering normal life. But how will we do it? What will be the etiquette when dining out? Does your salad mask go to the left of your entree mask or vice versa?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Is a high five an acceptable substitute when, normally, you'd hug? How about at a funeral? The trend in post-pandemic dating, we are told, will be, quote, "honesty bombing." And that's being upfront and honest about everything right away because we now know after the pandemic, there's just no more time to waste screwing around. If you date - if you go on a date post-pandemic, expect the person to open with, right, I don't care about the "Avengers" movies or sports. I worry about becoming my mother, and I will. And I load the dishwasher all wrong. Now, you go.

BURKE: Oh, is one of us supposed to go?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Well, no, apparently, like, nobody has time to, like, waste time with anybody who's not clearly or is obviously not right for them. So, apparently, they're just like, nope, you're done. Sorry.

BURKE: Yeah, it's funny that they say that. And I know that they've all just watched 40,000 hours of streaming television. So I'm not sure if I'm buying that everyone is suddenly very time-conscious all of a sudden.

SAGAL: (Laughter).

ROCCA: How do you swipe left in person?

SAGAL: (Laughter).

ROCCA: Like, do you literally just swipe the person or...

SAGAL: I think you just push them off the barstool and see who's behind them.

(LAUGHTER)

FARSAD: But wait. I'm not even in this age group.

SAGAL: Yes?

FARSAD: And I am theoretically taken. However, I...

BURKE: (Laughter).

SAGAL: You're married with a child, Negin.

FARSAD: (Laughter).

SAGAL: Just pointing that out in case you got lost in theory.

FARSAD: Those are minor details, Peter.

SAGAL: OK.

BURKE: Negin, was that part of your vows?

(LAUGHTER)

BURKE: I do, theoretically.

(LAUGHTER)

FARSAD: I made my vows before there was a pandemic. So who knows?

SAGAL: Who knows?

ROCCA: Negin, you get a pandemic pass. That's what we're calling it.

FARSAD: That's what I'm saying. To all the married ladies out there, pandemic pass.

(LAUGHTER)

BURKE: To Negin's earlier point, love in the time of adultery...

SAGAL: (Laughter).

BURKE: ...I feel like there's so many more ways to get caught now, you know? Like, whose lipstick is that on your mask, you know?

(LAUGHTER)

BURKE: That's just the pattern. It's a Rolling Stones logo.

SAGAL: If somebody comes home with, like, lipstick right in the front of their mask, you realize it has been a long time, and they've forgotten some basic technique.

BURKE: (Laughter).

SAGAL: No, this is true. One study found that 2 in 3 people have said that staying at home has changed what they are looking for in a future partner and that now they're looking for anybody. Please, oh, God, I'm so lonely.

FARSAD: (Laughter).

ROCCA: We're all looking for someone who delivers.

BURKE: (Laughter).

SAGAL: Pretty much as it were. All right, Courtney. Here is your next quote.

KURTIS: It's a true Wright brothers' moment.

SAGAL: That was NASA's official Twitter account maybe getting a little too excited as they talked about the first flight ever to happen where?

WILKERSON: I believe it's Mars?

SAGAL: Yes, Courtney. It is Mars.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: This week, with their Ingenuity robot helicopter, NASA made the first ever flights of a vehicle on another planet. It was so exciting and thrilling, a triumph for America, right until it somehow got stuck on a tree.

BURKE: (Laughter) You know, if it - you know, 'cause it's essentially like a drone, right?

SAGAL: Yeah.

BURKE: It's essentially - but it's not really a toy helicopter flying unless there's another rover next to the Perseverance rover going, oh, give me a go, give me a go. My turn. You had it for, like, 10 minutes.

(LAUGHTER)

ROCCA: You know, it's seems a shame that there are no Martian children to clap their hands there.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: I know.

FARSAD: But if you - but honestly, if you see the video - I hate to be the guy to say this. But if you see the video, it's not - it doesn't look that impressive...

BURKE: (Laughter).

FARSAD: ...'Cause it just real gently goes up a little. It doesn't even - it goes up, like, 10 feet. Essentially, your hand can get right there where it goes, OK?

BURKE: (Laughter).

ROCCA: What a rip-off.

FARSAD: It's not like it went really far. And the whole thing lasted 40 seconds. I mean, what is this? Modeled after my sex life? Ay.

(LAUGHTER)

ROCCA: I did notice that Orville and Wilbur Wright were trending on Twitter when this was happening, right?

SAGAL: I think so. But I don't know if that was the reason. I'm not sure. I vaguely remember something else going on.

BURKE: (Laughter) No, it's because of their sex tape.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Oh. And the worst part is, like, the Wright brothers' sex tape - it's - like, it's in black, and white and their movement is so quick and jerky. It's just not fun.

BURKE: (Laughter).

ROCCA: And who is this Kitty Hawk they keep going on about?

BURKE: (Laughter) And again, it only lasted nine seconds, and everyone was really excited.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: All right, Courtney. Here is your last quote.

KURTIS: It was like we killed someone.

SAGAL: That was the president of the Real Madrid soccer club talking about the intense backlash to his team's plan to join what newly announced organization?

WILKERSON: Oh, can I get a hint?

SAGAL: Well, it's hard because it came and it went so quickly. It happened in Europe.

WILKERSON: Is it, like, a new soccer league, like, a super soccer league?

SAGAL: That's it. You just got it.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

KURTIS: You are perfect.

SAGAL: It was this Super League. Very good, Courtney. It was supposed to be huge. They were going to take the top 12 teams in all soccer and form their own super league, the most earth-shaking event in soccer in half a century, a huge realignment of - oh, wait, now it's over.

BURKE: (Laughter).

SAGAL: No, the whole thing turned out to be just like a soccer game. It took a few hours to play out. There were a couple of moments of excitement. But in the end, nothing happened, and the fans rioted anyway.

(LAUGHTER)

BURKE: I mean, you could tell this was going to fail straight away from the name, right? Super League? Does that...

ROCCA: Well, that sounds good, though.

BURKE: No, that sounds like when you ask your grandmother to buy you Avengers toys, and she shows up with Super League. Is this what you wanted?

SAGAL: (Laughter).

BURKE: It's not Iron Man.

FARSAD: Like, off-brand Avengers?

BURKE: Yeah.

SAGAL: Like Steel Man.

BURKE: Yeah. It's...

SAGAL: Sergeant America. No, this is what you wanted, right? It was on discount.

BURKE: It's Ferris Guy (ph) and Tarantula Dude.

SAGAL: (Laughter).

FARSAD: Was the American league like, hey, like, we still exist, guys?

(LAUGHTER)

FARSAD: We're like really still here, though.

SAGAL: And the entire continent of Europe just laughed exactly like Adam did.

(LAUGHTER)

BURKE: That's adorable. The Adorable League.

FARSAD: Oh, it's so cute, so cute.

SAGAL: Bill, how did Courtney do on our quiz?

KURTIS: Courtney pulled it off with a perfect score.

SAGAL: Congratulations, Courtney. I love the way you pulled out that last one. That was fabulous.

WILKERSON: Thank you so much.

SAGAL: Thank you so much for playing. Good luck in your career, and good luck when you finally get back out there. And I hope you make up for lost time.

WILKERSON: I'll try. Thank you so much.

SAGAL: Bye-bye.

KURTIS: See you, Courtney.

(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "IT WAS OVER BEFORE IT EVEN BEGAN")

STEPHANE HUGUENIN: (Singing) It was over before it even began. You know, I really thought you were my man. Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.